Validation

A friend remarked the other day that she noticed how easily we can get upset over the littlest things. These conflicts are often small discrepancies, tiny annoyances that grab our attention.
When we look back hours, days, or even weeks later, we wonder why we even got upset in the first place.

But we have a hard time letting go of them. Whether they be with other people or even with ourselves.

Why is that?
What is it that we are hanging onto? What are we looking for when we get into these little scrapes?

Validation.

We want to be heard. We want to know that someone else believes that our point of view is worthy, that what we think is just as important as what they think.

We want to know someone cares about our value as people.

Often, instead we hear:
“Why are you making such an issue out of this?”
“You’re just being too sensitive.”
“You’re blowing this out of proportion.”
“You’re acting like a child; why are you being so immature?”

There’s a clue right there of what we’re looking for. It’s the same feeling we had when we were children: we want to know that we matter. Instead of being shamed for what we think.

Relying on others to validate us can be a disappointing prospect. We don’t often get what we want. And even if we do, it can be fleeting.

Why is that? Because it’s not coming from within.

Yes, there are people in our lives who may verbally validate us when we least expect it, and these experiences can even change the course of our lives. But these occasions are few and far between, as much as they become gems to our memory and our emotions.

So, what can we do to increase the frequency of validation in our lives, especially when we come across these conflicts in our life experience?

We can validate ourselves. Yes, we can!

How do we go about doing that? There are several ways.

But before we can begin to validate ourselves, we have to dissect the conflict that has brought our need for validation to the surface.
We have to determine what caused it to get our attention so emphatically.

We have to honestly access the emotions we felt in the conflict to determine the root cause of the issue.
Several examples can include:
» fear,
» anxiety over the unknown,
» vulnerability which essentially feels like we’re out of control about something that could happen or how someone sees us,
» anger over feeling embarrassed because we thought we said something stupid, or
» jealousy over something we feel someone has over us.

Once we determine the root issue of the conflict, we can now turn toward validation.

There are three approaches we can take: verbal, mental, and written.

We can verbally speak validation, which essentially means saying that our opinion of that situation was valid, worth speaking, and worth listening to regardless of how another person may have responded. We can speak validation over each emotion we felt, and why we felt it. We can speak the good we know we have just being a person who is created with a divine spark!

We can speak this validation as often as a conflict rises in our minds since those thoughts can make us feel down about ourselves or angry at that other person we were in conflict with. It also helps for us to realize that the issue isn’t necessarily with the other person since the conflict comes from within. If we recognize this truth, we regain our power back instead of giving it to the other person. That’s part of the validation process: regaining our power!

Another way to validate ourselves is mentally. We can think the same validating thoughts that we verbalize. Awareness of our thoughts is necessary for the mental approach to be effective. So, pay attention to what you’re thinking!

The third way to validate ourselves is my favorite way which is in written form. This is where journal writing comes in handy. When we keep a daily journal or, at least, a conflict journal, we can use it to discern our emotions and then use it to validate them and ourselves. You may even want to try writing with your non-dominant hand when focusing on your emotions during the writing process. Once you’ve written your validation for the day, it should stay in your memory and focus, especially if you do it consistently. And the more you write it, say it, and think it, the more that validation becomes a part of you, a new you!

And it will eventually become apparent to others that you are self-validating since you will find yourself less combative and more confident, which is a powerful place to be in all of life’s dimensions.

Then, if you do receive a validation from another accurately discerning person, well, then that’s just icing on your life cake!

So next time you need some validation, speak, think, and write as you look within.
Then, you might even look up.
The Creator will validate you too. After all, you are made in the Creator’s image.
That’s a wonderfully beautiful, divine spark you have there.
Don’t be afraid to show it.

© 2011 by Dawn Herring