Thursday, September 1, 2011

Power

power (pow-er) n 1. the ability to do something. 2. vigor, energy, strength 4. control, influence

We all have it to some extent or another.
And what we do with it is very important.
We can use it to control or manipulate someone to get what we want from them.

Or we may be allowing someone to have that same power over us.

How do you know when someone has power over you?
  • you feel intimidated by their presence or their expectations of you
  • you're afraid of how they'll react to you when they don't get what they want from you
  • they come to mind often and in an oppressive manner
  • you feel anxiety when you think about them
  • you don't want to run into them or talk to them on the phone
  • you're not comfortable being vulnerable with them
  • you don't trust them       

Once you recognize a person in your life who has power over you, you need to take the next vital step. Here's the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and that person: Get your power back. Yes, you need to get your power back. You don't want your mindset to remain in an unhealthy, anxious state. That's not good for anyone.

Of course, we know that some positive change can be a challenge to embrace. Old mindsets die hard, especially when we've been in them for long periods of time, if not a lifetime.

But it's not impossible to change your mindset concerning a person who has power over you. 

One thing you may want to keep in mind: this person may not know they have power over you. It may just come naturally to them the way they act and react toward you. So, I think it's best not to make any assumptions about a person's motive or why they act toward you the way they do. There may be things going on in that person's life, in whatever dimension, that you know nothing about. The object is not to cast blame on a person but to make a change in YOUR mindset that will enable you to get your power back. 

And how do you do that?

First, you need to recognize what kind of power they have. Is it relational? Is it expectations? Is it the demeaning way they speak about you? Do they invalidate you or your emotions, feelings, and point of view?

Once you have determined the kind of power they have, you can discern where your mindset needs to change toward them. You have to set boundaries or perimeters with what you will allow from them into your life. 

In other words, you may need to say, NO, when they ask you to do something. Or you may need to speak up for yourself and not allow that person to insult you or invalidate you. If they are not willing to change in their behavior toward you, you may need to limit your exposure to that person. They are obviously toxic to you. 

Saying no isn't easy, especially when we're used to just allowing powerful people to have their way with us.

But once you start to say no and lay those very appropriate boundaries, you may be surprised by the respectful reaction you may receive from that person. But even if they don't respond positively or respectfully toward you, you are doing so toward yourself.

Yes, showing yourself respect is one way to get your power back. 

Another way is to not allow another person to define you by what they say to you or about you. 

Recognizing and facing your fears in connection with their unmet expectations of you is also empowering. 

When you start to make these mindset and action changes concerning those who have had an active, powerful, negative force in your life, you will begin to experience a shift in your emotions and in the way you see yourself. 

You may be surprised by the confidence that grows, the more decisive you become, and even the better person you evolve into in the process. Yes, getting your power back can make you a better individual. Because when you focus your mindset in a more positive way that brings freedom, that positive energy will spread to those around you. And ultimately, the changes you create in your life will enable you to make a positive mark in your world. 

And then, once you get your power back, you can show others how to get theirs back too. 

And you know what happens? Your relationships grow. Your bonds with others take on a new dimension. And that person who once had power over you may see the change in you and even like what they see. They may recognize why you did what you did and want to do the same thing in their own lives. 

Positive change often begets positive change. 
Let 's use our power in a way that will change the world and make it a healthier, safer, more positive place. 

Where is your power today?

© 2011 by Dawn Herring

2 comments:

Cat and DOG Chat With Caren said...

I loved this and can totally relate. Sadly, I have a mother with extreme control issues and she does need psychological help. I had to separate myself from her because I used to feel EXACTLY the way you described the feeling in this post.

Dawn Herring said...

Caren,
My heart goes out to you with this issue; it is especially difficult when this power issue hits very close to home with loved ones. I wish you the very best in your family relations. Thanks so much for sharing.
Be refreshed,
Dawn

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Three Steps Toward Accountability...to Yourself (as published in SFC Newsletter, Dec 08 edition)

Accountability: to give a reckoning or explanation for one’s actions, responsible.

When most people think of accountability, they often negatively associate it with answering to others, such as a spouse, a friend, a mentor, or, in most cases, a boss. As a writer, you are your own boss, which is one of the reasons that you need to be accountable to yourself. And it can be a positive experience rather than a negative one.

The first step in being accountable to yourself as a writer is setting goals for your writing and keeping track of projects you want to finish. Incurring a deadline for yourself can help
motivate you in this area. This step can also include daily writing goals. Some authors plan how many words or pages per day they will write.
I’ve set goals for myself as a writer by making them reachable and attainable. This year I have set a goal to write at least one scene for my novel per week and at least one other piece,
whether it be memoir or essay, per week. That can mean just making notes, writing a first draft, or revising a draft.
As long as your goals keep you moving forward and you’re making progress, then you know you’re headed in the right direction.

Once you have your goals set, the next step in accountability to yourself is writing down what you accomplish each day. You can use a daily calendar just for writing or keep track of your
daily accomplishments on your computer. I designed a custom monthly writing calendar. It helps me track what I write daily, whether or not I’ve met my goal for the week, and it has
space for ideas for future writing pieces. I also have a spot to keep track of books I’m reading for that month. I use abbreviations to keep the daily writing easier and to save space. As I review each completed month, I can go back to see what I’ve accomplished and keep track of when I wrote each piece.
Whether you use something pre-made or customize something for yourself, use whatever works for you and helps you stay accountable to yourself.

A third, and perhaps most important, aspect in accountability in your writing is taking care of yourself as a writer. Than can mean giving yourself space and not being hard on yourself if
you don’t reach your goals each day or each week.
Flexibility and refreshment are paramount to your health as a writer. It also frees up your creativity and can actually help you produce more quality writing in the long run.
I enjoy writing in my journal, reading fiction or memoir, and watching a good movie with my family. Taking a walk, listening to music, talking with your family members, and just taking time to sit and enjoy life are all ways you can be good to
yourself—and ultimately accountable—as a writer.

Learn to celebrate your accomplishments and your uniqueness as a writer. That’s one of the best ways to be accountable—to yourself!